If this van is rockin… don’t come a knockin! Or else!

They Don’t Call Em “Bug Outs” For Nothing!

Okay… we’re all sitting around talking about “what if’s?”

What if the economy collapses?

What if a natural disaster flattens your town?

What if we get hit by another “Monster” hurricane,  for the third $^%&*@! time this decade?

As we all sat around pondering these questions, we all grimaced. You see… this ain’t Manhattan, and we aren’t yuppies. We don’t have gobs of cash at the ready, so that when the time comes, we can just up and run like the devil was chasing us.

Most of us don’t have any beer money set aside for that “reclusive place up in the hills” to bug out to  WTSHTF (“when the shite it hits the fan”).

But, most of us have pick-ups or vans, and some of us are rich. We got us double-wide’s and SUV’s.

We’re used to flogging those dogs down the road, hustling our kids to school, grandma’s, or detention! And, we’re used to fixin them when they break down.

So the OMG (Oh My Gawd) solution for us is pretty simple. We just need a box, that rocks. And you know the kind I’m talking about. Remember those old “hot rod” passenger vans we owned when we were kids? You know, the ones that most girl’s dad’s told them to just stay the hell away from?

No! Not this! You wish!

Now… that’s what I’m talkin about!

Those rusting old junk heaps are making a resurgence, this time as “Bug Out Buggies!”

These old vans are perfect for the task at hand;

“Building a Bug Out Buggie on a Beer Budget.”

Sure, they’ll haul you and yours out of town, but what if… just what if they WERE the “bug out retreat?”

Hmmm? Ya see where I’m goin’ with this? Those dirt-cheap, big-butted vans can become your “Crisis Casa,” without a whole lot of hardship. With a little hard work, a sturdy roof rack, and a little bit of added sheet metal, they can become “up-armored” haulers that not only get you through bad neighborhoods, you can also just pull off in a safe place, and set up camp, until the smoke clears.

Not this smoke! If you can find an old Dodge Turbo Caravan, a little tuning will get you down the quarter mile, in less than 12 seconds! But, they break. A lot. I know from experience !

Those old vans came from the factory with alternators or generators. So, first thing you do is convert that relic to a dual battery system, to help power all the goodies that you’re gonna be adding. This will insure that you’ll have all the comforts of home, out there on the road. Although they’ll both charge up whenever the van is running,one of those batteries will start the van. The other one will get an inverter installed on it, to give you a plae to plug in your iPod speakers, and your GPS.

Now you’re rockin down electric avenue…  Oh no!

You have enough AC to run most household appliances, like a dorm sized refrigerator, or a TV set, or even (Gawd Forbid) a microwave oven.

Now, I prefer one of those George Foreman contraptions that makes perfect burgers and also burns the crap outta your hand, every single time, but that ’s just me.

The kids can even plug in their playstation, and run the batteries flat… So, you’d better start off by teaching them ground rules;

(1) Run the batteries down, I kill you.

(2) Leave the radio blaring without anyone being here… I kill you.

(3) If you even think that you might be doing anything stupid that involves anything that plugs in…  remember that your Daddy brought you into this world, and he’ll damn sure take you out.

Okay, so  I have “issues.” Get over it!

And remember that if you hook up  a pair of batteries in parallel (ask your kid, or an electrician) you’ll get more juice.

Here’s where it gets cool. You can get 12 volt deep cycle batteries for almost nothing, if you go to any golf course. They use them for the golf carts, and after while, they need to be “reconditioned.” Make sure that you’re getting “Deep Cycle Batteries.” They’re much more robust thatn regular car batteries, and they can be recharged almost forever without damaging them. Most Country Clubs just buy new ones. Take the old ones, and haul them to a “battery reconditioner.” It’ll cost you a few bucks, but it’ll save you plenty.

Some guys will tell you to get one of those 4 cylinder vans. Don’t. Sure, they are economic, but you want enough power to get up old logging roads, get the hell outta the way of bad guys, or pull a small trailer. Buy a 6 cylinder model it you can. It’ll use less gas than a V8, and you’ll get enough power to get the job done.

Remember those batteries require voltage to charge them up. So, put a solar panel or two on the roof, to help keep them charged up. You can buy a cheap solar panel system from Harbor Freight that will work perfect. And, it’s CHEAP. All you need to do is make sure that the solar panels are sturdy, plastic covered, and weather resistant. It sounds funny, but some of them aren’t.

And, they make some solar panel systems that are actually designed to work in mobile applications. You’re gonna stake your life on this van, so spending a few extra bucks here, is a very good idea. They’ll come with an almost crayon drawing of how they go together, so any idiot can usually install them. If you’re an idiot who can’t, just go get your kid. He’ll/she’ll have them hooked up faster than you can say Playstation3.

Cooking isn’t going to be that hard either. You have plenty of juice to power 12 volt cooktops. But, if you’re a purist, you can always build yourself a pull out box that has a Coleman stove tucked into it. Then, just open the back doors, pull out the galley, and have at it. This is the method that I prefer, and my Galley box has a cut out so that you can drop a cooler into it, to have quick access to your stuff, and so that you can use the top of it for a cutting board, or serving deck.

Now, if you can figure a way to get a little sink back there too, you’re really cooking with gas. I use plastic 5 gallon buckets hung on a collapsible stand that looks like a heavy duty tripod. The water comes out of one of the tanks mounted on the top rear of the van, with a hose that has a valve on the end of it.

(The other tank is painted black, and supplies the hot water for showers and stuff.)

Gravity provides the flow.  One for washing, and one for rinsing. The clean dishes get put into big plastic mesh bag, and hung from a tree or anything high, to air-dry.

If you insist on 12 volt cooktops, I still suggest that you make them so that you can cook outside,. It doesn’t do any good to build a “Bug Out Buggie,” and then burn it to the ground trying to fry bacon inside it.

FYI: That’s why Jews don’t eat bacon. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not because it’s “not kosher.” It’s because we’ve spent most of our lives being chased from place to place, and all those little bacon grease spatters chafe like a bitch! And, we’re smart enough not to burn our own carts down, while we’re fleeing the unruly mobs. 

In order to bathe when out in the boonies, all you need is a fold out booth that uses those cheap shower curtains. The frame folds out (unfolds), and the shower curtain wraps around it to form a “privacy booth.” Attach this frame over the top of the rear van doors, and you have a portable shower with the hot water right above it. I keep a 3′x3′ rubber tile mat under the galley box (like the kind you see in weight rooms), to put on the ground, so you have something soft to stand on.

Nobody likes standing on rocks while you’re trying to get soap out of your eyes.

Remember that black painted water tank on the roof? A hose with a shower head completes the system.

Attach a thermometer to the outside of the tank. I know a guy who got back to camp after playing all day, only to find out that the water coming out of that tank was WAY too hot to blast directly onto human skin. Man, he screamed like a little girl!

All you need now… is a toilet, and you’re all set for Armageddon.

Nobody likes running into the bushes in the middle of the night to do their business. The last thing I want when I’m “venting chili,” is to get bit on the ass by a critter. After all, nobody is gonna suck the poison out of that kind of snakebite.

No sir! I don’t care how much they say they love you… “Doctor say you’re gonna die.”

Go buy one of those RV  chemical toilets, and install it in a frame that allows it to be pulled out from under the bed, or better yet, taken outside and set up someplace private. Trust me on this. It’ll make life easier.

On that overhead rack, add some clamps that allow you to attach those medium sized Rubbermaid bins you can get at Walmart. Why “medium sized?”

Have you ever dropped a heavy box full of pots and pans on your head?

Don’t use bins that can be loaded heavier than you can handle at arms length.  A busted head or a concussion on the road can make buggin’ out a real bitch…

Bungee cords will secure them just fine. Figure on six of those bins (placed 2 end to end x three rows), and label then with contents, on the outside ends of the bins (mark then on the sides, not the top). Marking then like this will make it possible for you to walk around the van and see the contents of each bin, at a glance.

Now, fill one of them bins with MRE’s.

MRE’s (Meals Ready to Eat) are the “Wheaties” of the 21st century. “Survival in a plastic bag,” they come in assorted flavors and combinations, guaranteed to turn the stomachs um.. er… fill the stomachs of even the most unruly mob. Nothin says:

“Sit down and shut the hell up!”

…like a plastic bag fulla calories and snacks. And, you get candy and toilet paper too!

They age well, they’re relatively impervious to weather, and they don’t require any special cooking or prep apparatus. I figure that if our boys overseas can live off them while fighting for their lives, we can suffer through them to.

(But I’ve always been a bit of a masochist, if you listen to my wife! She may be on to something… I did marry HER , after all.)

Fill one of those bins with every first aid kit you can find. You can never have too much first aid gear.  If you’re wondering if you have enough band-aids or gauze bandage, buy more. You can never tell what might happen.

It’s a big van, and you can make it ready to travel “hither and yon,” hauling your sorry ass out of trouble. Over the next few months, we’ll show you what to stuff in the rest of those bins, and how to outfit yourself, to get ready for whatever comes your way. For the time being, just throw a big tarp or two over the top of those bins, and secure the whole shooting match with bungee straps.

And, remember that you’re gonna need to get up over obstacles, supply yourself with “defense” weapons, a way to play “peek-a-boo,” and a way to communicate with the outside world. We’ll help you with that too.

We’ll review new products that’ll make your life easier, and we’ll dispel some myths too!

Stay tuned.

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