Indians robbed me… :)

I think I got gypped.

I bought my wife a Kindle Fire HD 8.9″ as a Holiday gift. It’s supposed to arrive on the 19th.

Nope. It’s not going to be a “surprise”. I had to make sure that she still wanted one before I ponied up that many shekels for a media reader/viewer/”sorta kinda” tablet.

I waited a long time to buy her one. We started talking about buying one earlier in the year… before we got chased out of the house in the canyon by wildfires in September.

Then, I had to save up the cash and wait for the annual “Please buy our crap! Please?” Amazon discount I knew would eventually come… to be able  to afford to buy it now.

But… according to this… the world is supposed to end on the 21st of December, 2012… just a few days from now.

I’m not sure which Indian tribe to blame… the Amazons (who just pinged my plastic for a few hundred bucks – debit, not credit – mind you) or the Mayans… either way… once again I’m being cursed by an Indian… Frankly, I suspect that it’s just a conspiracy… perpetuated by tribes fat with geriatric bingo money and a lot of free time… 🙂

(My wife is a Native American and she curses at me all the time…)

In my day job, among other things, I teach families to prepare for the worst… So, I guess I need to “drink some of my own kool-aid” and change my underwear.

(Because everyone knows that you should always wear clean underwear and carry some extra cash, just in case…)

This way, if I do manage to make it to an emergency room as the world implodes, explodes or just gyrates itself to death… they’ll know my name (because it’s written on the waistband in my underwear) and I’ll have cash to pay for those $20 Tylenol tablets that they’ll be administering like tic tacs…

And, I’m going to have to put the “Go Bag” back in the truck;

Here’s the official survival kit for “WTWCTAENW” (When The World Comes To An End Next Week):

• Food, water, and emergency blankets for three days, times three people

Of course, if you’re gonna haul out your mother-in-law as well…  you’d better keep a small U-haul filled with MREs handy.

• An assortment of Twinkies, Ho Hos and Cupcakes.

If the world is ending, I’m gonna thumb my nose at the unions and check out with a smile on my face, empty calories be damned. NO! I ain’t sharin’ so don’t ask.! 🙂

• Beef Jerky

Gnawing on that chewy stuff will shut the kid up for a while. And. if you get hard pressed, you can always whittle it down to make a knife… to stab yourself with.

• An extensive first aid kit

Remember to include medicinals like Scotch, Vodka and Bourbon. It’s important to stay hydrated. 🙂

• Three light sticks for safety (and to keep the kid in the back seat amused so he doesn’t try to eat us)

We tried storing flashlights. The young’un just pillaged them for batteries for his toys. Every time. Every single %&^*@#!! time. 😦

Remind me to tell you the story sometime (if we live) about a neighbor kid who used a box cutter to open a light stick, so he could paint himself with “glowing ooze” and do a “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle” mutant thing. His mother got so scared that she actually peed herself. 

Now, THAT’S a Facebook moment! 🙂

• One backpack in which to stuff all your “can’t do without this” junk and make it handy enough to be ready to go

I prefer the backpack type that’s just perfectly sized for “someone else to carry”. That way, I can carry the “first aid supplies” and insure that no bottles get broken. 😉

This should get you by for a while should the world come to an end on Dec. 21.

And if it doesn’t come? Well, you get a good buzz and a fistful of Tylenol to deal with the complaining you’ll get immediately after as “all those chores you put off until the end of the world” become unavoidable.

TIP: Don’t forget the mixers! If you’re going to administer medicinals, you need to insure you have enough tonic water and ginger ale! It’ll be bad enough having to gulp these healing libations down without ice! 🙂

But… hold on a minute! Mayan Doomsday means that the kid isn’t gonna get any Christmas gifts from Santa. And, it means that I’m not gonna have an excuse to drink beer or bourbon on New  Year’s Eve.

Um… I’m thinking that the Mayans got it all wrong.

I mean, we credit them with predicting the “end of times”… but they weren’t smart enough to figure out that all those sacrificed ball players were gonna seriously affect the price of season tickets in the “ball court”…

… and those “heartless” bodies they were chucking into the lake were polluting the only decent fresh water supply they had…

Or.. was that the Aztecs? Hmmm… I forget. 🙂

‘Course, if they’d just used lawyers, they could have spared themselves sharpening all those knives (and the messy clean-up that came after) and just chucked them in whole. Everyone knows that lawyers don’t have anything beating in their chests besides their own egos... 🙂

See you in a week… maybe.